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Thursday, March 31, 2005
Sometimes it's just not worth it...

Log this under one of those I need to Rant and if I can't in my blog, then where else can I sort of entries, folks

... every year, it seems, something turns my personal life upside down and inside out and some friendship or another implodes. In junior high and high school, it was happening with alarming regularity to the point that I wondered what the heck was wrong with me, since I was the only common element in all of it. Or was I a bad judge of character. In retrospect, since wisdom comes with age, it was probably a touch of both - I was a bad judge of character, and I was always brutally honest with my friends (because, well, if you can't be with them, then who can you be honest with) and they just couldn't take it either because they were too young, too petty, or too full of themselves (or all three). I've been feeling pretty stable about this whole 'spring cleaning' sort of thing for the last couple of years (with the exception of the work friend who is no longer a friend), but it seems the trend is back now.

Yup. Yet another relationship has imploded, and I'm left holding the figurative bag.

Interestingly enough, the blowup came after one of the rougher weeks that I've had in a long time and almost came out of right field. After the dust settled in my brain later that night, I came to a realization that is both startlingly clear and bittersweet.

I'm relieved. The fog lifted, and the blues disappeared, and I was able to look very clearly at some of the stuff that I've been through lately. I realized that I actually sweated over some of the small stuff because the bigger stuff colored my perceptions of things. And I'm sure it's come through in my writing here too and for that, I apologize.

I'm sorry that I can't be 100% sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time, but most especially when others need me, and I don't give what they're expecting - a great ear and sound (but brutal) advice. Nobody's perfect, least of all me, and that's definitely the earful of email that I got from this most recent addition to the list of people who have passed through my life and touched it in some way.

As I think on it more and more, it was definitely morphing into a co-dependent complaint session of a relationship, although I was complaining about petty things that I shouldn't have mentioned, and not mentioning the important things I should have. But then all I would have gotten is either a persistent session on how to fix me and the problem (when maybe that's not what I wanted at the time) or what the latest cross she's bearing happens to be which has to be more important than mine. There was no two way street, no quid pro quo.

I've had things build up in my life that shouldn't have - that much is clear, and I reacted to something that I should have let slide and never mentioned. I thought I could depend on total honesty and open communication, but I'm beginning to believe that that was only ok when it was something she wanted to hear. Was I pushing people away when I decided I didn't want to talk about something that was bothering me? Perhaps that was the perception, but that wasn't the reality. If I wanted to push people away, they'd know it - IM would be off, emails would go unanswered, and I would be uncharacteristically quieter than usual. I had a case of the blues and a lot of things going on, and I needed to withdraw - because that's what I do - to be able to focus and get some of the small stuff out of the way.

But then I've noticed a lot of touchy people lately - over-reactions, issue-projecting and the blues. It's like it's February Part 2 these past couple of weeks (myself included) without the board blowup that comes with it all (and I hope I'm not speaking too soon). We'll get past this part of the blues - the weather is out of whack in a lot of places and I'm sure that's affecting people too. I'm sure all the unexpected wet we've been getting in my part of the world wasn't helping me, but it's bright and sunny outside and I'm a very happy person at the moment.

Ah, but I digress. Let's get back to me - because obviously, everything is always about me, the over-reactive drama queen who lives on a pedestal and is spiraling out of control and in desperate need of therapy who is constantly slicing people out of her life. Or so I've been told.

Ok, I should back up, that was rather high school of me - and in fact, this whole topic is. But then so are some of the tactics that I've seen in the last 48 hours, and honestly, I thought we were all past that. And if I can't vent in my blog, where can I, right? Last night I was on the phone with someone who gave me an interesting insight - sometimes we regress to high school tactics as a defense mechanism. I have to agree, and I think that's what she has done. And in order to cleanse myself of this, I went a little high school by actually writing this up and posting it. So sue me.

Friends have issues, friends disagree, and they get testy once in a while. Good friends call you on the carpet for it (as the friend on the phone did last night), and aren't afraid to say something because they don't want to get yelled at. Yelling is cathartic, I've found. Interestingly, I've not needed to yell over this, and I don't think I'll need to because it's done.

Just walk away. Let it go. I've been saying that a lot lately.

That's what I'm doing.

And guess what? As I do so, I feel so absolutely wonderful, like a weight had lifted, the black cloud had dissipated, and all was well in the world again. Isn't that horrible of me to be saying about someone that I had once thought so important in my life - about someone who *was* very important to me? I'm not a horrible person, really, and I don't live on a pedestal, nor have issues that require serious therapy, or am a drama queen who is spiraling out of control. Over-reactive to some things, perhaps and one who worries about what people think just a shade too much sometimes, but I'm working on that.

I think this blowup has been coming down the pike for some time, and it's sad that it couldn't have been a drift away instead of a rip it into shreds sort of thing. I think the fact that I needed to focus on *me* instead of everyone else around me just threw this individual for a loop, and she couldn't grok that I wasn't in the tidy little box she had put me in (I assume) - for once I couldn't drop everything for someone else in crisis because I was dealing with my own stuff. And if you don't focus on your own things that you need to resolve, then you're no good to anyone, least of all yourself.

Ah, if this is the way it has to be, then there's nothing I can do about it when it's the other party who makes the break violently and abruptly, and changes her view privately from needing a break to publicly ending the friendship.

The End.