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Thursday, September 30, 2004
Dear Mr. Spammer

...It's that time again for another installment of Dear Mr. Spammer, when we answer those pressing questions and emails that we get all the time for interesting products that we have almost no use for.

Dear Mr. Spammer,

I know I've written to you before about drugs, but those were special drugs that I think were intended for a male audience. Today I want to address a totally different class of drugs.

You keep sending me all manners of emails for anti-depressants, and insomnia drugs and painkillers. While I greatly appreciate your concern that I be able to purchase such things at a rock-bottom price, or cheaper than anywhere else on the 'net, I have to tell you that your concern is misplaced.

I don't think that I need any of the drugs that you're advertising to me, so I'll have to take a pass. Especially since the headers of a lot of your emails are confusing. Some of them have all sorts of nonsense like "o'connordicksonclarkyetbarn melvinbombproofcombatcurricula" at the beginning of them before you start telling me the prices of the drugs. Another has the subject line of "Do NOT operate heavy machinery while taking THIS medication!!!" - as if I'd forget, but I have the three exclamation points to remind me, I suppose.

Another tells me that I can get the drugs I need without a prescription - but that one is coming from a domain of - I don't think that someone who is trained to study of the origin, history, and structure of the solid matter of a celestial body should be prescribing drugs in the first place, much less selling them via email. Of course, he could be selling them from his personal stash.

Just so you know, I'm not in any major pain that a couple of Motrin once in a while won't fix.

I'm certainly not depressed, maybe a little down once in a while when I'm having a particularly rough day, but not for any great length of time. And certainly not in a manner that would require medication. Unless you count chocolate as medication, in which case, can you score some Thornton's for me at a really deep discount?

I sleep very well at night, but I gather you don't since some of your emails are timestamped for 2 or 3 in the morning.

I don't need Viagra or Cialis - I don't have an issue with that sort of malfunction considering I don't have that kind of equipment myself. DH doesn't need those drugs either.

I definitely don't buy drugs from anyone named 'Jeremy S. Stoned' either.

Besides, I have a friend who lives way down deep at the bottom of Texas. She's a 10 minute drive to Mexico, and can get me anything I want waaaaay cheaper than you ever could.

Thanks anyway,