... Welcome to another edition of Dear Mr. Spammer... Or is it Dear Ms. Spammer... oh, I don't know, I'm soooooo confused.

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Dear Mr. Spa... Dear Ms. Spa...hrm. *scribbles furiously and then gives up and goes gender-neutral*

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm sorry I'm not as familiar with the salutation today as I was last time I wrote, but I'm not sure who you are. I've gotten so many emails from various individuals claiming to be you, but I don't think I can trust any of them. Some are male, some are female... none of them match the text inside the email.

Some of the emails stated that they tried to call me but that I gave them a bad phone number, some have stated that they met me in a chat room one day... One even stated that their email to me bounced back as undeliverable (I don't see how, since they managed to get this email through). They all start out in subject lines and initial introductory comments as if we've web-met before.

I suppose that's your hook to ensure that I mark the darn thing as read so that you can send something back that states that I've got a valid email address, right? It's nice that Outlook has a preview pane, but I'm sure that you get around that too somehow.

The latest one said that you called, and asked why I didn't call back, and then launched into the same thing that they all did. I don't know *how* you could have managed to not have gotten ahold of me via telephone - I usually give out my cell number now, and that's always present and charged. Maybe you mis-dialed.

Your name is Jen, if you're to be believed, and that a friend referred you to me, and that you love to chat with new people. You have a webcam too so that things can get interesting, and it won't cost me a penny. That's probably semantics, and it will cost me a lot of pennies, but that's neither here nor there. I'm more interested in how interesting you claim your webcam to be.

I don't see how things can get interesting, though, just because you have a webcam. I don't have a webcam, and if I did all you would see is either my living room drapes, or the occasional small child peering into the cam to freak people out. I'd probably lower it down to the dog too so that you could see the inside of her mouth, since she would think that it's just another ball to chew on. *That* would be interesting, I should think.

*Takes down a note to look into launching a German Shepard MouthCam and then returns to her letter*

Maybe I'd put a webcam outside so that you could see the crazy doggie try and eat the lawn sprinkler when we turn it on. That's always interesting (and funny) when she gets the water stream in her mouth and can't swallow it fast enough. She turns into a rather soggy doggie. Lately we've been calling her "The Mop". I think some folks would think that that would be a pretty darn good webcam show.

I could set a webcam up to track the cards we deal when we play "Lord of the Fries" - that's always pretty interesting. Especially if A or B decides that they're losing and decide to throw a small fit - but those won't be interesting for long since they've gotten older and have learned to sulk instead of scream. Then again, I've just picked up "Give Me The Brain" - maybe we should webcast our first attempt to play it... figuring out rules with DH, A & B anxious to play is always entertaining.

Oh, but this isn't about my hypothetical webcam, but yours instead. How interesting *are* you? Do you swallow fiery swords hourly, or teach C++ programming via webcam? I'd find that pretty interesting, but then I'm a geek that way.

I don't know what you do on your webcam, but you seem pretty overly eager to meet me based on the numerous emails that you've sent along. I have a feeling, however, since you're so insistent on meeting me that you think I'm male. So sorry to inform you that I'm female - same as you. At least, I *think* you may be female, but again, that's the indecision from my addressing this letter in the first place creeping in.

If your webcam is just to show the varied and sundry parts of a naked female body, well... what's so interesting about that?

I can see that when I look in the mirror before jumping in the shower. Granted, mine may not be as airbrushed as yours, but it's probably got less man-mileage on it too.

Thanks, but uh, no.

~The Boring and Confused WG~