...welcome to a new feature of WhizGidget's Whacked-out Wonderings. This is where I will occasionally write replies to the spammers who hit my mailbox daily.

Hourly for some.

Minutely in a lot of very similar cases. With differing names. I think they're schizophrenic, but none of them have sent me a drug spam that fixes multiple personalities.

Yet. Oh, but when they do....!

Speaking of drugs, the first spam I'd like to address is one for a certain special sort of pill...

---

Dear Mr. Spammer,

Thank you very much for your correspondence regarding your wonder drug that is supposed to help me grow another 3 inches. Can I direct exactly where those three inches are supposed to be? It *is* a wonder drug, right?

Then again, I'm not sure what a peeeeni111iis is supposed to be. It's spelled awfully funny, and my dictionary doesn't have that spelling available. Nor does it have any word even remotely resembling it that has numbers in the middle. Maybe a space was left out, but that still doesn't explain it. There is *another* spelling with considerably less vowels and no numbers, and that's what I assume you mean.

But we all know what happens when you assume things.

Being female, I don't have that particular piece of equipment that I think you mean, so can we add the 3 inches to my height? Oh wait, can I split the difference with my DH - that way I don't tower over him, or will the drug affect him the way you claim it will because he's male?

Then again, I could have this entire thing wrong. After all, one of the subjects of the email (I've received it 5 times in the last hour from friends of yours) said "Loser with small mortem" - doesn't that mean an unfortunate soul with a short death? What would that have to do with the drug that you're trying to sell me?

I don't want to die, after all.

I got another of this same email from one of your friends who calls himself Mr. Complete. I don't think he's too complete since it was sent in a method that my email reader couldn't decipher, and was attached as a notepad attachment chock full of bad HTML codes.

That didn't seem too complete to me.

I received another one that was different from yours, and I should probably take it up with them, but I think you'd be interested in this part. They say that I could start seeing results instantly, that I can gain 3 inches (same as your product - sounds like they're trying to edge into your territory), but that the process could take up to 120 days. That seems a bit much.

Both of you claim that there aren't any side effects and that the pill is fully natural. Well, *that* I know is a lie. Anything made into pill form cannot be *fully* natural because it has to be processed to be made into a pill, and processing usually implies that something isn't natural anymore. But then, it could be that I'm mis-interpreting your choice of words entirely.

I did want to ask about side effects though. You say that there aren't any - is that because of testing on animals or on humans? And if it's on humans, did you test it on female humans because I don't want to take any chances and end up growing an extra appendage when I don't need or want one - or one that would repulse my DH.

If you tested it on animals, however, regardless of gender I would have to turn you down. I do have my standards, after all.

Thank you for your time,
WG