Warning: If you are a dedicated Tom Cruise fan, and completely buy into the whole Katie Holmes romance *and* have some ounce of like for me, you might want to stop reading now, because when you're done, one or all of those might not exist anymore.

...When 'Risky Business' came out in that long ago time known as 1983, I was all of 12 and said "YOWZAA" and stared at the cute guy with the great legs dancing around in the tighty whities.

Oh man, he's hot. And that's probably not what I thought at the time, because after all, I was 12. Never mind that the guy in the movie was 21 - he was playing a high schooler, I was almost a high schooler and he looked really good for his age. Never mind that he's 9 years older than me. I'd catch up eventually and the age difference wouldn't matter. Like, when I'm in my 30s. And hey, my parents are 7 years apart in age. No big.

I didn't know at the time that he believed that aliens had come to the Earth, were exterminated using hydrogen bombs, and that their souls manifested themselves into people and that's what makes us do bad things. Or something like that. If I'd known that before I'd seen 'Top Gun', I'd probably have a way different view of things and would have lots of things to make fun of about the movie.

Ok, lots *more* things to make fun of about the movie, but hey, I *love* 'Top Gun' and it's not for the volleyball scene either. And no, it's not about the so-called romance in the movie either. Ah, but I'm digressing...

Why am I about to take a criticism shot at Tom Cruise? Because I can. Because the whole so-called "media" from Reuters and Entertainment Weekly to Go Fug Yourself and Defamer is taking a shot at him, and why shouldn't I? Because he's there. Very there. His press people have made sure he's there. And since he's never been really under the microscope before in his career, and it's a slow news day in Hollywood (Russell Crowe's arrest and contrite apology, and the Michael Jackson verdict notwithstanding), Tom is a good target today.

I didn't lose respect for Tom Cruise when he married someone only 6 years older than he, but who looked at least 20 years older. I didn't lose respect for him when he hooked up with Nicole Kidman - in fact, I didn't blame him, because she's a babe. Now, he did lose a bit of that gorgeous polish when he threw Kidman over for Penelope Cruz - and I wrote that off as a publicity stunt. One that 'Vanilla Sky' desperately needed, and wasn't served well by. And I discounted the 15 years of rumors that Tom Cruise is gay. None of that, including the Scientology thing, removed the tarnish on Tom Cruise.

Because. He's. Hot.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick about discounting that last one. Especially since now he's estatically dating Katie Holmes. Gushingly so. Jumping all over the couches, let me pull her out of the green room where she can be embarrassed and not know what to say, enthusiastic.

Who is that, you ask? Who, indeed. Her most well known role is as "Joey" on Dawson's Creek. Ooo. That's something I'd want on my resume - teen pulp soap opera. And it wasn't even a particularly good one either - that's my opinion, don't crucify me for it, although I'm sure there's someone poking needles in a voodoo doll somewhere because I don't like that show or because I'm taking the name of Katie's character in vain.

Sorry, I just never understood the big ole fuss over Dawson's Creek, and I probably never will. That's good, because I don't think I want to either. Ah, digressing again...

Katie claims that she dreamt big when she was a child, and she wanted to marry Tom Cruise. She may get her chance, based on the press reports and the like. Hey, I dreamt big too and I saw him long before you, chickie. Of course, I'm happily married (to the only man I ever plan to be married to) and I don't think I really could pull off the "slightly embarrassed at all of this" look that Katie does. I'd pull off the "I'm really pissed that you pulled me out of Oprah's green room before I was done with my Starbucks hot chocolate" look. I don't have that hopeless teen crush thing anymore going on with the unattainable goal - Tom is just nice eye candy for me now.

Ok... here are my problems with the whole situation.

She's 26. He's (very soon to be) 43. 17 years her senior. Now, if she were in her 30s with the same age spread, I wouldn't be as repulsed by it all. She's 26. She looks 18. And she isn't even an actress, really. I might be a bit hypocritical on this one, since DH is 13 years my senior - but 13 years isn't 17 and we at least *look* close in age.

Secondly, his behavior is atrocious. He's practically trying to consume her in every kissing photo/film I've seen. As if he's some modern day Lestat trying to get blood out of her mouth instead of her neck. And when he's not with her, he's not doing anything to really promote his new movie (which is what he *should* be doing, it's his job as a star, after all) but is instead bouncing around on couches more excitedly than a 5 year old who has been given the keys to Toys R Us and carte blanche on anything in the store.

Third, there's his whole public to-do with Brooke Shields over her use of Paxil. Honestly, is that really his business? She wrote a book, fine. She decided to share her ordeal over post-partum depression with the world and what she decided to do about it. Granted, I'm not saying that stars can't have an opinion, but 1) he's trying to issue dangerous statements (it can be cured with just vitamins) and there are women out there who would probably say "he's right!" and start taking just vitamins to fix something that requires much more attention than that, and 2) he's going after this like some 1930s star who is threatened by some upstart starlet. Totally unclassy.

Fourth, there's the whole push on Scientology that he's squawking on in all his interviews. Of course that used to be a verboten topic, but since he fired his publicist, and hired his Scientology-following sister to be his new PR mouthpiece, it's no holds barred. And now Katie is going to switch to the cult of Scientology from Catholicism (which some say is a cult in and of itself, but that's not the point). He's already been in trouble once before when he claimed that Scientology cured his dylesxia... someone shut him up now.

Add to this whole mess the fact that they're not coming clean with how they met. No one's got a story on that.

And then there's the abject fear that Tom and Katie will make a movie together. Please do not let them remake something... like 'Risky Business 2: Joel Goes Corporate' and still manages to redeem some hooker with a heart of gold (and deal with a pimp with a semi-automatic) or 'Eyes Wide Shut 2'. Oh, if the two of them did something like that together, you'd have to poke my eyes out with something sharp, metal and flaming. Please, oh please, gods of all that is moviedom - don't let those two star together in something. Including a wedding - because that would be the most farcical of all. Of course, the betting pools would start running on how long Katie would remain a virgin, since she's saving herself for marriage. Of course, it might not matter (in Hollywierd) *who* you are married to, just as long as you're married.

I think the real problem is that the news is so darn slow, and Cruise is so darn out of control right now, that this is all the media has to work with. Maybe now that we have a Michael Jackson verdict, we can divert attention from Cruise-Out-Of-Control-Over-Katie to something more newsworthy. Of course, the MJ verdict is perfectly boring (and totally unbelievable) from the perspective of people looking for good gossip, and the Cruising-Out-Of-Control thing isn't boring. Everyone loves to watch stars spiral out of control.

But it could become boring very quickly. And boredom about the press for anyone who's got a new movie coming out isn't a good thing. Of course, most people think this is a stunt. The gossip rags out there have been doing poll after poll, and roughly 70% of respondents think this relationship of theirs is totally fake.

Now, if this is a media stunt to promote each other's movies and/or if Cruise is gay, why the fuss? It won't kill Cruise's career if he doesn't have a girlfriend (he hasn't had one for a year so far). It won't kill his career if he has a boyfriend (as long as said 'boy' isn't underage). Look at Rupert Everett - he's gorgeous eye candy. And Alan Cumming - he's very skilled and talented. Rock Hudson had a career for decades and was in the closet the whole time. Yeah, ok, they're not the big macho multimillon dollar action star but instead good actors and really nice eye candy (yes, even Alan Cumming, when done up right is pretty darn good to look at) Um, last time I checked Tom isn't a big macho multimillion dollar action star either. He's a 5' 7" tall, former Catholic seminary student who is reasonably good looking despite an unattractive big nose (just catch him photographed the right way) who got a lucky break. His demographic is *still* women and it probably still would be if he declared he loves men...

...but it might be rapidly disappearing if he keeps this behavior up.