...cover your eyes folks, a little profanity will show up in this entry.

That's it. 8 years, 4 months and 5 days. That's the effective span of my career at the company with the little red envelopes. I'm being laid off, because the doorknob that I report to thinks that I'm not a good fit for my position anymore. The position that I created and coddled for that entire length of time.

Sorry, RB: the karma didn't turn around... well, actually, maybe it did...

Basically, I'm FREE! I'm FREE! I'm finally getting the fuck out of there! On the other hand, I don't have another job lined up, and I'm a little angry and upset about how this all came about. We were discussing my annual review, and started with him wanting to hear my comments on it. When I started talking to a couple of specific points, he steered me away by saying to look at the general picture and that he had something hard to say.

That there was a pattern of negative behavior in past reviews even before he became my manager (excuse me? I have those same reviews, so since when?), that he knows I was bounced from manager to manager, that there is a mis-match between me and my position. Excuse me? The position that I created? He says it's time for a change and that the change will come in about a month. He hopes that I come to the same conclusion - that it really is time for me to leave.

Oh, sure, they're going to pay me off to leave (he tells me this last). Yes, I get a "package" (not as good as it could be, and honestly I'll try and negotiate with them when we meet on Friday afternoon). And they think they're being generous by telling me that if I act professionally for the next 30 days before I leave I'll get another month on top of what they're giving me. That's right, act like a quiet happy little girl and they'll keep me on the payroll for another month and pay me an extra month when they show me the door.

I sat quietly biting the inside of my lip instead of cheering. He tells me that if I have job interviews and need to be gone for a couple of hours it will be ok. I bite harder to resist the urge to tell him that I started looking for another job the minute I became his direct report. He tells me to finish the things that I need to finish and take the rest of the day off so that I can "process and adjust to this emotionally". I think the tears from biting my lip so hard made him think I was going to cry.

It took everything in my power sitting there with the doorknob to not tell him what a fuckwad I think he is and that he could shove his 30 days up his tight ass and just give me my damn check now. DH says that would not have been the politically correct thing to do, but admits that his gut says it would be the *right* thing to do.

I did cry, a few times. I made it out of the building before I shed one single tear. I cried on the way home from sheer relief that I don't have to work there anymore starting in a month. Then I cried from absolute emotional instability because it *is* an ending, and I've spent a great part of my children's lives at this company. They know nothing else, and frankly, neither do I. So yes, I am sad - it's the ending of a long standing relationship. I cried out of fear because in a month both DH and I will be unemployed at the same time and that's never happened before. Ever.

OK, DH is employed and he offered me a position at his start up, but they don't pay anything and I can't take that sort of risk. We need food and shelter, so someone has to get a job. I know he's searching the job sites too now probably as much for himself as for me, and considering he found the listings for my last two jobs, I suspect he may strike gold again.

I am rather bummed that I won't be able to take those MicroStrategy courses that I wanted to take on the company dime. Ah well...

So what did I do with my afternoon off? I cried, I finished reading the 3rd Harry Potter book in my quest to re-read them all before the 7th one comes out. I didn't eat lunch. I have a splitting headache from the crying (and should probably be drinking some water to quell that). I'm scared to death of looking for another job, but I've submitted my resume for a few jobs already.

I've come round full circle. I knew this was going to happen eventually and I started talking about this in my blog a year ago. I was a good employee in a bad situation that only seemed to get worse. On July 10, 2006 I posted that I was going to leave the company. That, as Rafiki said in 'The Lion King': It Is Time. Well, it's long past time. I should have left a year ago.

...but better late than never.

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Really, everyone, I'm OK. I was happy telling my kids, who were kind of happy to hear that I wouldn't be working there anymore. They knew I was unhappy. And my apologies to those who are finding out about this through the blog instead of straight from me. I'm still writing emails to a great many people.