...Yes, you read that right, terrorist bananas.

I can always count on the news to provide me something that is seriously going to twist my brain into wanting to write about it. A woozle mad woman put that headline in front of me yesterday and told me to have fun with it because she wasn't going to be able to.

Gold. I have to agree with her. Pure comedy gold. And I thank her for not writing about it because I really wanted a crack at this one. I mean, how much funnier does it get than terrorist bananas?

I hate bananas. I've been waiting for some great horror movie in the same vein as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" because I would completely believe it possible, and I would be scared. Yes, I hate bananas. I don't eat them, unless they're in really good banana bread or in a smoothie. You couldn't pay me enough to eat them in their raw fruity goodness. Well, I assume they're good - so says my husband and children.

For those not in the know Chiquita Brands, who are famous for the bananas, are paying a rather large fine because they paid a terrorist group for protection in Columbia where bananas grow. Apparently it wasn't just one group that was paid off, and the two groups that did get paid off are allegedly at odds with each other.

So, not only is Chiquita providing terrorist bananas to the US, they're also funding a war between leftist rebels and right wing crazies in the banana happy jungles of Columbia. Again, more reasons why we shouldn't eat bananas. And no, we won't really be hurting the economy of Columbia because it isn't a "banana republic". Their major exports are manufactured goods (like pop-up books, seriously...), petroleum, coal, and coffee. Oh, and don't forget drugs, but that's not an "official" export.

If any of you are confused about my putting the words "banana republic" in the same sentence with Columbia, then you need to stop shopping at the mall so much and start reading books about international economics. The term "banana republic" refers to a country where the economy is dominated by the banana trade.

I always knew that bananas were against us. Or that Chiquita had something going on behind that innocuous sticker with that pseudo-Carmen Miranda as the logo. I never trusted that logo. Now I know that the logo stands for terrorist bananas. You know they're out to get you, and you're indirectly helping fund a war in Columbia. Yes, I know that's a stretch for some to actually believe, and for others it's immediately a conspiracy. For you paranoid conspiracy theorists, go eat Dole Bananas. At least their name isn't stained with terrorism...

... you just have to stop thinking about Republican politics and a certain former senator who kept trying to get to the White House, and had a religious right wing cracko for a running mate back in '96.