Does your food conspire against you...
...and for what reasons?
I started thinking about this after I had a particularly horrendous morning when the baked beans from the previous day's lunch, and the spaghetti sauce from the previous night's dinner started a revolt in my digestive system.
Well, I don't know that it was actually *those two*, but they seem like the most likely suspects. Then again, that could be a false accusation against my food, and if it is, then I apologize. But it's natural to assume it's the beans, right?
I suppose beans (baked, refried, etc) have gotten a bad rap (including a song calling them, ahem, "the musical fruit"), but they brought that upon themselves, didn't they? If they didn't wage their natural chemical war on our digestive system then they wouldn't be so commonly targeted as they are.
Speaking of beans, do the green beans purposely let themselves overcook? Either they're mushy, or they scorch (although, I think I can blame scorching on a certain DH who may not have been paying attention while they were cooking).
Speaking of overcooking: The spaghetti isn't innocent either. It fools you into thinking that it's one minute away from perfection, but one minute later it's limper than a 70 year old man in dire need of Viagra...
And then there's the sauce... oh yes. The sauce that's always out to stain clothes, mess up the stove top and splatter the backsplash in manners that Rorschach would have been proud of.
Hrm. I wonder if Rorschach was cooking spaghetti sauce when he came up with that idea... ah, but I digress. Back to the sauce.
The sauce is out to get you from the get-go. It will stain your clothes the minute you open a jar (or stain your fingernails while chopping things up for it), and will splatter the walls, the stove, and you the minute that you lift the lid to take a peek. There was just one big sauce bubble that was building and waiting for that lid to come off and get you.
It may have been in cahoots with the meatball that will inevitably fall off your folk and into your lap. There *is* a reason we put napkins in our laps when we eat, I just hope that meatball didn't fall through the paper napkin and stain whatever clothes you were wearing underneath. Or burn your legs if you were wearing shorts or a skirt.
Speaking of stains and to prove that it's not just food that's out to get you, why is it when you drink cranberry juice quickly you inevitably cough and end up with some running down the front of your shirt. Same goes for grape juice. And the both of them stain something awful. Orange juice, however, is more insidious. You can clean off orange juice rather quickly - but then it starts to smell, and you have this rancid warm orange juice smell wafting around you all day (unless, of course, you change clothes after spilling, but if you're in the office that's not always possible).
And don't even get me started on what smells would come from spilt milk. They tell you not to cry over it, but your eyes sure start watering something fierce when you walk into a room where milk was spilled (and not cleaned up) a couple of days earlier. That or you gag horribly and run away for some fresh air. Speaking of fresh air, I think I'll take a walk to grab my lunch today...
... I'll go get a burger, and hope that the french fries don't try to strike back.
My thanks to Kari who put up with me while I ranted one day about food, and suggested a couple of things that made it in this blog, without knowing I was going to blog it when she did so. The Wednesday Matinee (if it comes back online) will appear on Friday...