...The other day I walked into a co-worker's office, where a couple of other co-workers had congregated and all were laughing. I'd heard something mentioned about work, and so I wandered in.

The set up: one female walks in, 3 males are already in the room - one is sitting, two are standing, and the female decides to lean against a table.

In a happy tone, with a smile, I said good morning and asked if this was the unofficial morning staff meeting, since we don't have those anymore (the new boss hasn't scheduled any staff meetings). Someone (X) said yes, and I asked what the topic of the morning was. Another individual (Y) responded that it was retirement, and upon asking who was retiring (which I just about slapped my forehead as I said it, because the old boss is retiring), both guys who didn't belong to the office said the name of the person who did belong to the office and then walked out. That whole exchange took less than 30 seconds.

I looked at the person who owned the office (Z) and asked in a very Duckie from 'Sixteen Candles' manner, "Do I offend?" Z shrugged and said to let it go. I did and went on with the morning, but Z and I talked about it on the phone the next day. Apparently they left the room because I'm the low woman on the totem pole. X & Y are both worried about their jobs. X doesn't want to have to start over, after moving his way up the food chain, and Y is sure that once he finishes a couple of projects he was assigned that they're going to chop off his head.

Personally, I won't miss Y if they let him go, and it would be long overdue. He's the replacement for the ex-boss from hell, and honestly there are days that a couple of us have stated that we had it good with the ex-boss. When I agree with them, that really tells you what a piece of work Y is. I commented to Z that if they're worried about *their* jobs, especially X who is in pretty good shape, then what must they think of me (who is so far below them, in their minds obviously, even though we're equals). Z didn't really know how to answer that, and honestly, neither do I.

I know that X couldn't function without some of my data and is directly affected by my materials work. Y would probably cry that the world is going to collapse around him because I'm not around even though he uses none of my data and doesn't provide a piece that I need on a regular basis. Z would have to take the materials function back and be overworked. *sigh*

Just yesterday I got asked by someone else (W) for how to find some information. Information that's already covered in my metrics. Apparently the new boss asked W to develop this 'flash report' to cover all the high points of my metrics. That one had me paranoid in an instant, because 1) why wasn't I asked to create it, and 2) why do we need it? After a paranoid phone call to my DH I felt slightly better, and later talked to W about why he's the one creating it and he was as good as confused. He had no idea why I wasn't the one to develop it. And he told the new boss that, and now I have the report in my hands to refine it. Mostly because W can't - he doesn't know how to create the complex lookups it will take. Heee. But still, it's just another one of those things that makes me wonder if I'm getting shut out. Be it intentional or accidental, it's not a good feeling and I don't want to have to work my way back to being included on a team that I was already a contributing member of.

What's the point of this blog entry, you may be asking? Well, it's a wandering vent, plain and simple. I don't get it - you've got two guys that are worried about their jobs, there's closed door meetings going on all over the place as if everything is one big secret these days, you've got these guys leaving the room when I enter it, and for some reason I'm not creating new data models but they're getting assigned to a guy who is supposed to do forecasting and costing (predictive information instead of the reporting data). Granted, it's only the first time in a very long time that the leave the room thing has happened, but if it starts happening with regularity, I need to figure out how to approach it.

To be honest with you, I'm really not that worried about losing my job (but I'm starting to worry about whether or not I should be worried about it). I think I'm in a good enough position that I would see it coming. And the person that I'm training to be my backup so that I can take time off (or so that people don't have to worry that I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow and no one can do these metrics) is scared to death at the thought of having to take up all the metrics by herself if something should happen and I find myself unemployed.

If you're going to advise that I go talk to these two guys about the first incident that I described here, I won't take that advice. It's petty and stupid and they'll both say that I'm imagining things. And to a degree it is petty, but it really bothered me on Friday when Z and I talked about it. Maybe it was that it was the natural end to the conversation and my timing was bad because they're worried about their jobs and I asked who was retiring. Maybe it was that they didn't want to talk to me. Maybe they figured that I wouldn't understand...

...or maybe, once again, they have vastly underestimated me.

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And here we are at the end of February. It's been a long month, but for ways different than in past years. This year's twisted reality seemed to happen more at work (as exampled above) than on the boards. The boards had thier own issues, dealing with the loss of one of our own. Maybe it's just paranoia, but I suspect that I've lost the respect of a few people and alienated others based on the things I had to say earlier in the month. And that's a shame, because I really care about a lot of people, and it just kills me to think that they think less of me because I had something that I needed to say (that some agree needed to be said), and I got up the courage to say it at the time that I did. I really wish that I said it sooner than I did, although I don't know that it would have made any bit of difference. DH put it into perspective though at the time that I said it - if not now, then when is a better time? There's *never* a better time. You can take that one of two ways - that it was the best time to say it, or that there is never a good time to say it. And honestly, would it have made a difference if I said it then, or said it a month from now? No... it's just that the pain would have lessened and then brought back by what I said if I said it later on.

Ok. That's all I have to say about that. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't worry about it. February is over for another year.