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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Dear Mr. Spammer...

... yes, it's that time again for another installment of everyone's favorite sarcastic blog entry. You know what, I can never thank Prinn enough for doing a rundown of all the spam she'd gotten one day over a year ago, which is what inspired me to do this.

As you know, these are all real pieces of spam that I get in my inbox. Well, not this one. This was an idea that was handed to me by someone... she knows who she is.

Anyway, today's entry is about... well... it's a learning experience. Of sorts...

Dear Mr. Spammer,

I really appreciate your recent letter attempting to entice me into a new course that could double my money back. And it's even Guaranteed!

Now, 20 days doesn't seem like a long enough time to be engaged to earn double my money back, but I suppose that makes a lot of sense if I'm going to spend those 20 days being a free sex kitten. Granted, though, that does make me a shade but confused. Am I supposed to give the sex for free, or does that imply that I kick some of my earnings back to you when I'm done?

I suppose if I'm doing this for free, then I'd earn double my money back rather quickly because I wouldn't be paying for anything, right? Or are my rates going to be really high and my training costs really low? How exactly do I earn double my money back if I'm a free sex kitten?

Or is free sex anything like free love? Are we harkening back to the 60s?

If you have a brochure that explains a few more details without any truly graphic pictures then maybe I could consider it, but somehow I suspect that you don't have one, and that's why I got the email instead.

I'm sorry to bother you with so many questions, but the Revenue Enhancement Program of Santa Clara Valley decided I needed to be a participant, and now I have a speeding ticket to pay off. Right, sure I was going 48 in a 35 where I know that they position cops to sit and wait for cars to ticket them. Riiiiight. Ah, but I digress.

My said I could be a sex kittin. Is that like a normal kitten, or was that a misspell and you meant I could have sex knitting? No, that doesn't make any sense either. What if I want to be a sex puppy? Or a sex ferret?

Oh wait, you didn't mean that I have to have sex for free with kittens, do you? Ew. Maybe I'd rather not know. So sorry to have bothered you and taken up your time.

-WhizGidget- *definitely a human, and not a free sex pet*

Yes folks, that part about the Revenue Enhancement Program of Santa Clara is true. I was driving away from Curves yesterday on a road that is notorious for speed trapping and cops lined up to pull people over when a police officer walked out into traffic to my left turn lane and indicated that I should move across the two lanes of traffic to the right side of the road.

I was watching my speed. It's 35 on that road, and I stay 35. In attempting to argue this with the nice officer who was having people honk at him while he pulled me across traffic while the light was red and just about to turn green, he assured me that he used a laser gun instead of radar and connected with the front bumper of my car. Interesting to note - I was passed by a white truck that was easily going 50 while I wasn't. Somehow I don't think that this ticket was meant to be mine.

It will be easy enough to get dismissed from my record in this valley - they let you go online and answer a few questions (officer downplayed it, I suspect it's an hour's worth of material or more) and the ticket will be pulled from my record. But, either way, I'm miffed. I didn't earn this ticket. That's not to say that I'm not guilty of speeding, and I'd like to see anyone who dares say that they aren't *ever* guilty of it at some point in their lives, but I wasn't *this* time.

DH said, when I told him, that he supposes we were due. I told him to bite his tongue and don't say things like that. I work in a city where the cops are ruthless and hide really well. I'm just waiting for one of them to come out of nowhere to try pulling me over at 5:30am when I'm heading into the office.

Anyway, that's my disclaimer for today's Dear Mr. Spammer letter. Have a great day!