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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
That's Right, I'm Toxic...

...If you haven't read yesterday's entry, then you need to before proceeding further. Well, you don't *need* to, but you might lose some context, so I highly recommend it.

Anyway, as I was saying, apparently I'm toxic. Well, I might be, I'm not really sure. And no, I don't mean a horrendously awful Britney Spears song. You see, a few months ago, DH found a Scientology newsletter stuck under our welcome mat and it talked about purification and about how drugs can alter perceptions and change lives.

Well, isn't that what they're *for*?

Anyway, we get this newsletter and DH read it to me over the phone while I was waiting for Curves to open - before they changed their hours and made it so that my usual phone call has been virtually eliminated. It's a good thing that I don't need that phone call to maintain my marriage, but I digress.

The quiz had some interesting questions, and both DH and I had some interesting comments about them, other than the yes/no answer they were looking for.

First question: Have you felt fatigued now and then for no apparent reason.
Well, yes. I recall at the time mentioning that I was fatigued and I hadn't even worked out yet. Never mind that recently I took to falling asleep on the living room floor and being out for a few hours. I was clearly trying to fight *something* off, but whatever it was it's long gone.

Second question: Do you ever feel "wooden" or "lifeless"?
Sure, just let me take a Tylenol Cold and Sinus and get back to me in an hour. Seriously? No, I've never really felt that way unless I was sick and *haven't* taken anything for it. Makes me wonder, if you're a Scientologist are you allowed to take cold medicines, or is that against the rules too, because I could see someone with severe allergies totally having an issue if they can't have their drugs. Oh, but wait, they might be cured through purification. Never mind.

Third question: Have you ever experienced drug "flashbacks"?
Does throwing up the pill 10 minutes after taking it count? If it does, then it's a yes. Otherwise, no, sadly I've had no flashbacks from my cold medicines and allergy remedies.

Fourth question: Do you feel less alert than you used to?
No. Still pretty darn alert. Maybe even more so since I finished drinking the 20 oz of Coke that I was consuming while writing this blog entry.

Fifth question: Do you sometimes get a feeling of lightheadedness or a feeling of being "spaced out"?
Yes. It's called not getting enough sleep and needing to go to work at 5am. It's also taking your allergy/cold medicines just before the time limit expires and the previous dose hasn't gotten out of your system. Hey, maybe there *is* something to this no drugs thing.

Sixth question: Do you feel irritable without reason or cause?
Oh no, there's *always* a cause for it. PMS. Someone pissed me off by being accusatory and stupid. There's no more green tea at the office and they don't plan on restocking it. There is *always* a reason.

Seventh question: Do you have unexplained aches and pains?
Yes. It's hard to come up with names for all the people that cause me aches and pains without resorting to a thesaurus and creative profanity.

Ok, honestly? I don't have unexplained aches and pains. I can even name who they are. I just can't explain why they are the way they are.

Oh, wait, you meant *physical* aches and pains. Ah. The answer to that is also no. I can explain where each one of my physical aches came from (the answer is usually "Curves").

Eighth question: Do you find it difficult to get excited about people and things?
Not at all. I can get very excited about people and things. In fact, I can get quite worked up about certain things at work to the point where DH hands me his beer and hopes that a sip will calm me down.

That's probably not what they meant, right?

Ninth question: Do you find you feel anxious but don't know why?
No, I usually know why I'm anxious or nervous. And then I stomp on those feelings and get rid of them and look towards the positive aspect of things.

Tenth question: Do you have trouble learning new things even when you are interested in them?
Only if I get distracted by something else that I really want to learn. So, yes, sort of.

So they have this little scoring thing there that goes like this:

If you answered yes to 3 or less you could have a level of accumulated toxins affecting your capacity to think clearly.
If you answered yes to 4-7 of the above questions, you could have a detrimental level of accumulated toxins, making you dull, lifeless or "wooden" with lessened ability.
If you answered yes to 8 or more of these questions, you could be experiencing a case of severe body pollution, which is seriously preventing any stable advancement in mental or spiritual well-being.

Then it mentions that the effects of drugs dim your life and to get rid of them and that the "Purification Rundown" by L.Ron is the solution to handling these problems.

Yeah, right. So let's go look at my answers here. Looks like I've got a detrimental level of accumulated toxins and should be purified. Oh wait, that means I *am* eligible to be brainwas-, er, be a Scientologist, oh goody, let's do happy happy joy joy dance of love on the nearest couch.

Or let's not and just say we did.

Heee! Look at that people! If anyone ever thought that I was toxic, then you may just have been proven right by my own admission due to the wonders of a 10 question quiz from the Scientologists and a newsletter that my DH stepped on before he noticed it was there! Aren't you so pleased with yourselves?

Yeah, thought you were.