...I've come to the conclusion that I can never ever marry Tom Cruise, even though it was a teenage fantasy. You see, I had a poster of him as Maverick on my wall too.

First of all, and most importantly, I could never leave DH. I like him too much. That's right. Not only do I love my DH, I like him too, and therefore I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Second of all, I don't do well around clearly unstable individuals and therefore, TommyBoy and I wouldn't be able to make it work unless he promised to be quiet, smile prettily and stop jumping on couches. That's not to say that DH is a quiet and pretty smiling man who doesn't jump on couches; it's just illustrating Tom's really odd behavior.

Last of all, I can't marry him because I could never become a Scientologist. See, the Scientologists have this really strange "Code of Honor" or something bizarre like that, and I just can't subscribe to it. That and it's organized religion - I don't really like organized religions. I prefer disorganized religion and that's probably why I'm destined to be a lifelong Catholic. They're disorganized enough for me.

Anyway, it's this whole thing about how I could never become a Scientologist that's the real point of this entry. After all, they think some alien wanted to control overpopulation and gathered up all the other aliens, brought them to earth and annhilated them. And now the "souls" of these aliens try and cohabitate in our bodies, and we need cleansing.

And cleansing comes in the form of classes that cost a bunch of money, and a lot of enthusiastic couch-jumping on it seems. Yeah. Right. May I remind you that the only aliens on earth are the politicians? OH, and my children when they get up and are ready for school by 6:30am. And both of those examples can be more disorganized than the Catholics.

Ok Ok. Enough poking at religion, even if it's my own religion. It's time to pick on a cult.

So, there are these rules of Scientology, apparently, and I found them and decided I needed to address each and every one of them to show why I can't be a Scientologist. Before I start I have to say - a lot of them start with the word "Never". I'm one of those people that says "Never Say Never"...

1. Never desert a comrade in need, in danger or in trouble.

Ok, I can live with this one. I don't desert friends who are in need or in trouble or are a danger to themselves. So far I haven't necessarily been with one who is in trouble physically at the time that they are, but I don't think I'd turn tail and run either.

2. Never withdraw allegiance once granted.

Allegiance to what? I can't swear to be 100% loyal to someone for the rest of my life because they could turn on me. And this has happened, and I don't see the point. After all, why would I follow someone who hasn't been true to what I originally believed them to be true to in the first place, right?

If I kept this one, I'd still be swearing loyalty to a bunch of people who have stepped on me, or threatened me, or treated me like crap. Oh, and then there's the psycho stalker ex-boyfriend, and I'm not going anywhere near *that*.

3. Never desert a group to which you owe your support.

Ah, this must be why there are so few disenchanted scientologists. They can't desert the group because the group keeps the evil thetans (those disenfranchised alien souls) at bay. I see. I doubt I'd desert any group without a really good reason.

4. Never disparage yourself or minimize your strength of power.

But it's fun to disparage myself when it's called for. As for strength of power, that sounds a little too dictatorly to me, and I don't run with a dictator sort of crowd. I believe in benevolent leadership.

5. Never need praise, approval or sympathy.

Ok, that sounds like a Man Religion. Everyone seeks approval from the time they are children. Need for approval is one of those inate human characteristics. Sympathy is one that I can understand that some people don't go after, but then there are those whose function in life is to whine, cry, and get all the sympathy that they can. So there are some who could never be Scientologists, or at least not 100% proper ones because they can't follow this rule.

As for me? I like being praised when I've done a good job, and sometimes it's necessary. I don't need it, but if I've not gotten it in a really long time, then I start feeling the lack of appreciation. See? Praise and appreciation can go hand in hand, and no one likes feeling unappreciated.

6. Never compromise with your own reality.

But I like debating the voices in my head over what color the sky really is.

7. Never permit your affinity to be alloyed.

My affinty for what? Chocolate? Salty chips? Writing my blog? And the last time I checked, "alloyed" means a mixture or solid solution of two metals. Oh wait, there is that 4th definition of adding something that lowers value or purity. So I suppose that my enjoyment of things should never be tainted by something that lowers the value or purity of it. Well, then I guess I'd better stop eating milk chocolate since that lowers the purity of chocolate, even if it's highly enjoyable.

And I should quit my job so that I can devote all my time to writing blog topics because certainly the fact that I work all day lowers the purity and value of what I *could* put in my blog. Of course, leaving my job means that I wouldn't be able to afford chocolate or writing since I probably would be looking for another job that is equally enjoyable to this one.

Makes me wonder if that's a typo and it should be allayed, not alloyed, but that doesn't make any more sense either.

8. Do not give or receive communication unless you yourself desire it.

Oh, does that mean all the spam and hate mail is going to go away now? Because I certainly don't desire those sorts of communication. Or do they mean that all y'all are not to speak unless spoken to by me first? Oh, well, then I guess I'll disable my comments here, and change my phone numbers and email addresses, move (so that I can't get snail mail), and stop reading any bulletin board unless I really want to so that I won't get any communication that I haven't already given permission for.

That's it! You can't speak to me unless you have the proper documentation, signed in triplicate, and stamped appropriately. Of course, I'm not going to tell you which lines at the DMV, Social Security Administration, and supermarkets that you need to stand in to get such.

I could really have an ego about this if I tried hard enough.

9. Your self-determinism and your honor are more important than your immediate life.

Ah, another one of those "it's a good day to die" sorts of arguments. Sorry, no day is a good day to die, and I'm very determined to live for a really long time in a vastly honorable manner. Therefore, my immediate life is very important. If I died now, my daughters would be devastated, and I don't think that I could handle that. And it wouldn't be very honorable to them.

10. Your integrity to yourself is more important than your body.

My integrity to myself is more important than my body. So, to keep with a moral or ethical code, I can put my body at risk? Great! Let's start the Church of Chocoholics, and that way my integrity can cause my butt to spread from all the excess calories that I'll have to consume as part of services and penance. Never mind that I just bought a $240 Vera Wang bridesmaid dress for a wedding next May that I'm part of and have been working my rear end off (literally) to look fantastic in. Yes, the wedding is 10 months away and I've been working my butt off for 5 months already.

11. Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you can make your tomorrow.

I don't regret yesterday. Yesterday was a pretty good day. And I like today. I can't comment on tomorrow though, and I *could* make my tomorrow, but there are also people out there who want to make *their* tomorrows too, and the two goals could have some conflict. And I don't want to run over someone's ideal tomorrow just to make mine exist. After all, I believe in everyone having a fair share, and we already said that integrity is important.

12. Never fear to hurt another in a just cause.

Um, does that mean I can drop paint on fur coats and stomp on people's feet if I think they're being mean to puppies and small children? Can I firebomb detention centers where child molestors are being held? Oh goody! Scientology says it's Ok. Can I go play with the explosives now? Please?

13. Don't desire to be liked or admired.

That's another human trait. Everyone wants to be liked and admired. Well, not *everyone* but you know what I mean - the vast majority of people like to be praised, liked, admired, appreciated and all that sort of stuff.

I don't know about the admired thing, but I do like it when people like me. It's really not a nice place to be when people *don't* like you and are vocal about it. Besides I just don't see this one being realistic for Hollywood celebrities who are Scientologists - they desire to be liked because being liked is what brings in the paycheck. Maybe it's more that they should be ambivalent about being liked and admired. Yeah, that's the ticket.

14. Be your own adviser, keep your own counsel and select your own decisions.

Ok, but then why do I have to have a Scientology guide keeping watch over me and helping me out for the first few months of the brainwash- er, indoctrin- uh, training to be a Scientologist? Shouldn't I be able to handle myself, my affairs, and my own decisions after all?

Why does Katie Holmes have someone following *her* at the moment? Her "new best friend" that she's only known since, oh, she hooked up with Tommy... Oh yeah, Katie is in *total* control of her decisions.

Riiiight.

If you really believe that, then let's talk about the sale of the Golden Gate Bridge, since I'm in charge of the sale of that particular property... I can get you a really good deal *and* you'd get all the toll money....

15. Be true to your own goals.

Oh absolutely! After all, my main goal is to make it through this life without being brainwashed. I don't think that anyone could successfully brainwash me - sleep deprivation is one of the major tricks that they use on you, and honestly, when I get tired enough I'll fall asleep and stay that way. No amount of noise or caffeine could wake me up if I'm groggy enough, or exhausted enough. Or bright lights. If I'm bound and determined to sleep, then sleep I will. And that would be one of my goals - to sleep a portion of every single day of the rest of my life (even if it's just for a couple of hours). I don't plan any more round the clock nights anytime soon. I can't function that way - I'll get really bitchy or really ill if I don't get the sleep that I want and need. So you could consider that a goal - to not be bitchy or sick by getting enough sleep...

... of course another of my goals is to never be a couch jumping freak either. But I couldn't be a Scientologist anyway. I'm too toxic. More on that later in the week, maybe even tomorrow.