Apologies in advance to anyone who thinks that they're specifically mentioned in an unflattering light - the chances are 100% good that it's not you I'm talking about.

It happens to everyone eventually... and you know it almost immediately when it does. An acquaintance, a coffee buddy at work, a lunchtime friend, or someone you share some interesting discussions with online.

You come to count on them. You're always around, they're always around. Then one day you find they already went for some coffee, or they're disappeared at lunchtime, or they don't respond to your emails or instant messages anymore.

You worry about them. You worry about YOU. You wonder if you need better deodorant or if your fonts are too hard to read.

This has happened to me too many times to count. In elementary school, when I made friends with the new kid, but the new kid told me other schoolmates lies and they stayed away from me. In high school, when my best friend decided I wasn't "cool enough", or the guys wouldn't ask me out because "she's too smart for her own good". In college, when my roommate told my friends the unflattering things said when I was in my deepest realms of sleep and none of them ever spoke to me again. Or when the first real love of my life told me that I needed to find somebody better... and so did he.

Of course, you rarely learn these things said behind your back directly from the source. And when you do finally learn what was said, it's usually too late to do anything about it.

Such is the latest situation of hurt and abandonment that I face. Yes, it has happened once again. Another individual to add to the ranks of temporary friend.

Someone I respected greatly, and considered a friend from the cyberspace atmosphere, all but vanished from the landscape a few months ago. She was being targeted by a couple of nasty individuals who followed her into a sane community and she became embroiled in some nasty debates. Granted, she started a couple of the debates, but they generally started out rather sane. She decided to leave. I even wrote her an email and IM'd her telling her not to leave as she would be missed. I can't say I blame her for leaving though - her opinions were being met mostly with derision. But then that was the case for almost anyone posting to those discussions. Everyone had opposing viewpoints.

Now, I come to find all these months later, after the fires have died down, on the heels of an issue with another individual we thought we knew, that she believes I am one of the people behind the nastiness. That I encouraged it, or choreographed it behind the scenes. As if I have a group of people who are willing to do my bidding.

To put it simply, that I was a member of the "topic police" and ensured she would be driven away.

I am in shock to say the least. Abandoned without explanation. Disappointed that she would have so little faith in me. Insulted at the implication that I would be associated with a certain pair of individuals I liken to trolls who only surface to try and work her over. Maybe I didn't know this person as well as I thought I did, or maybe she didn't give me enough credit. Either way, it's over.

I had no idea she hates me that much. Yes, hate. I gather this from another trusted mutual friend of ours.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, since life was going so darn well with stable friendships around me. Because I haven't had anything like this happen for so long.

Why do friendships end? And, to follow on that, what constitutes a friendship? There can be an awful lot of grey area in that sort of relationship because there is an implied commitment. It's not a black and white situation like an exclusive intimate relationship or a marriage. a friendship can dissolve without needing to contact a lawyer or appearing before a judge (in most cases, unless someone decides to sue someone else). But, like a marriage, it also ends with a measure of pain or sorrow at something being lost. To go back to my earlier question, maybe some friendships end to teach us how to deal with loss on a small scale. Maybe some end because it's their time to end - they've run their course, or because the dynamic of the lives involved have changed enough that a connection between the two people just can't be made anymore. Or maybe they end because one person is defective somehow.

This leads me to the other side of the questioning panel. To look at myself. Do I really have such poor judgment of people that I find these shallow ones easily who would leave me behind without an explanation or wanting to find out why? Based on some of the dear friends that I have, I would have to say that cannot be it (unless, perhaps, I just got a lucky cosmic roll of the friendship dice a few times). So then, if that's not it, then what's wrong with me, considering that I'm the common denominator here? What would be wrong with me to cause some people to disassociate themselves from me in quiet cold ways? I'd like to think that its not me, but that's probably my ego talking.

It makes me wonder if this individual, this situation, is why I don't hear from some other folks who I was once close with. Or, rather, thought I was close with. Oh, I know, lives get busy and situations change, but there's been enough distance to make me wonder...

... and sometimes, in a great rare while, WhizGidget doesn't want to wonder.