... has been complied by VH1 and Blender magazine. And I have to disagree with them on a lot of counts. The following includes quite a bit of my own opinions (of course) about music and other people's opinions on music. Take your bathroom breaks now and grab a cup of tea, we're going to chat for awhile today.

Now, before I begin, maybe I'm not the right person to comment. Maybe I'm not in their target demographic, but I can't imagine who would want to alienate a 30-something, female, employed, internet savvy individual who's up on most of the trends... that's a marketing department's wet dream right?

Apparently, I must be in a minority that doesn't follow the same trends or tastes that VH1 and Blender does. Heck, I sometimes wonder about the music tastes of my DH, who has so kindly decided (when I started writing this) to play 2 of his 5 versions of 'MacArthur Park' that he has... in a row... loudly... So I told him if he does that, he needs to put up with playing all the Barry Manilow tracks we've got too.

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At the top of the VH1 list is Starship (a.k.a. Jefferson Starship, a.k.a. Jefferson Airplane) with "We Built This City". I'm sorry. Excuse me? That's the #1 worst song? Ever? *sits back stunned* I can think of so many more, and so can my friends. I've been discussing this with a few people, and together we came up with a lot more songs that could be added to the list, and others that could be dropped from the list.

First of all, I still want to know what bender these guys were on when they compiled this list of so-called worst songs of all time. I should have taken it as a sign when Netscape Radio's Classic Rock station played 'Casey Jones' (Grateful Dead), 'That Smell' (Lynyrd Skynyrd), and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' (Queen), one right after the other. I was seriously considering heavy drinking and suicide by the time the third song was done. It's not that any of those songs are bad - it's just combining all three of them together is a little too much to take at 7 in the morning. Especially when you follow it with The Kinks' 'Celluloid Heroes'.

And then I got hit with the Worst Songs of All Time list. What the heck were they thinking with putting stuff like "The Sounds of Silence" or "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" on the list? A Beatles song making the top 50 for bad songs? George and John must be spinning in their graves. Then again, maybe John's having a good laugh over this one. I've never seen anyone try and besmirch a Beatles song - aren't they supposed to be music gods or something? I can't imagine that anything they recorded would be worse than anything Eminem has put out.

Could someone please tell me why there isn't anything by Eminem on the list, and stuff like 'We Didn't Start the Fire' and 'Shiny Happy People' *is* on the list? How many people were involved with picking these songs, and how drunk *were* they when they compiled it? The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards copious amounts of alcohol and illegal substances being ingested during the selection process.

And just what made them think of putting together a 50 Worst Songs list in the first place? There's definitely got to be some hallucinogenic substance involved with that decision. Of course, it could be that they were just listening to some adult contemporary station while coming off a really bad hangover and this is the 50 first songs that were played in order. I could then possibly make a case for vocals sounding like nails across a chalkboard then to justify it. But again, I don't know their logic, and I've not read the Blender article... yet.

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A great majority of the songs on their list are from the 80s and the 90s, and only one from the 70s. The lone 70s entry, Dan Fogelberg's 'Longer' was actually released at the very tail end of the year, and therefore can actually qualify as a song for the 80s. I wish I could say that that tells me the age or musical tastes of the people who compiled the list, but anyone that I know that's stuck in the 70s actually hates Eminem, and half the list would have been full of his songs.

But that would explain some omissions that I'll cover further down.

Songs that are, and deserve to be, on the list
'Ice Ice Baby' and 'I'll Be There For You' (a.k.a. the theme song to "Friends") should be on the list. They've earned it. 'Ice Ice Baby' just ripped off the melody to a Queen song, and 'I'll Be There For You' has just been overplayed to death, never mind the fact that NBC has run it every Thursday night at 8pm for almost 10 years.

'The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me is You' - what the heck was Bryan Adams thinking when he wrote that song? Heck, his whole album deserved to be on the list. But we'll forgive him this one bad album since he's had such a great career with wonderful music. Moving on... 'Pumps and a Bump' from MC Hammer & 'Hangin' Tough'- 'nuff said.

There's not a lot else I can comment on because I've never heard of some of these songs - like the one from Puff Daddy, or Toby Keith. So I'll have to take their word for it that they deserve to be on the list, but honestly, based on the next section, I don't think that I should.

Songs that are, and DON'T deserve to be, on the list
Well, I've already mentioned one of them. I really don't think that 'We Built This City' deserves to be on the list, especially at #1. 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight' from Wang Chung - that's the ultimate Get-The-Party-STARTED song (at least it is for me). 'The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll' - the list's second shot at a San Francisco Bay Area band (Starship being the first) - that certainly doesn't belong on the list.

All three of those are fantastic driving songs, and I don't mean driving the car off the Golden Gate bridge. Don't Worry, Be Happy, I'll cover great driving songs later on in another blog. Speaking of...

'Don't Worry Be Happy' - what the heck did Bobby McFerrin do to these guys to earn a place in the top 10? I know his song, like the Beach Boys' 'Kokomo', is musical Prozac, but come on people.... worst song of all time?

'Shiny Happy People', 'We Didn't Start the Fire', 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and 'Your Body is a Wonderland' (which won John Mayer a Grammy) aren't loser songs either. I wonder what qualities of these songs set them off.

As a lifelong Chicago fan (read: blind loyalty statement to follow), I can't agree with 'You're the Inspiration' being on the list. I could very easily agree with Chicago's 'If You Leave Me Now' being on the list. As much as I love the band, I cringe when I hear that song, and wonder why I didn't bring earplugs for when I see them in concert. It's nothing against their lead singer, or the fine technical performance of the song - it's the song itself. I just can't stand it (and neither can DH who had to endure someone singing it over and over again during a band trip when the song was new). Think about it for awhile - I bet you can't stand it either.

'Dancing on the Ceiling'? That's certainly not one of the best songs, but not one of the worst. They should have put Lionel's sappy love ballad, 'Hello', on the list instead.

I wonder if in some of these cases it wasn't a matter of the artist being on the list, but that they just listed an easy target that's known to justify the artist's presence. I'm sure I can think of lots of bad songs by the artists I'm defending, but the songs that are listed here DON'T belong on the list.

Songs that aren't on the list, and really should be
Gary Jules re-recorded Tears for Fears' 'Mad World' - any of his versions should be on the list. I didn't even recognize the song from the original because it's so... down, dark and depressing. I'm usually a pretty happy and stable person, but Jules' versions of it inspire me to feel like I want to toss myself off the nearest bridge.

I saw someone had 'Season in the Sun' on their list of worst songs. While I'm sure that someone would agree that it's a depressing song, along the same lines as the aforementioned 'Mad World', I certainly wouldn't put it in the same category. That's an up and happy tempoed song (much like the original version Tears for Fears did of 'Mad World') - it would just take one person to record it and make it depressing. Now that I've said that, let's move onto a song that's happy and uptempo but really should never have come into existance, and I crave Lysol for the brain whenever I hear it.

Toni Basil's 'Mickey' (yes, I know I'm going to hear it for this one) - this one really belongs on the list. It's the most annoying piece of dreck that I've ever heard. While the melody itself is catchy, the words just ruin it. And her voice. And that video that went with it. Icky. (DH turned this one on after a few minutes of silence, and ran in to ask if he'd found one...and happy to find that he had). Oh Mickey, you blow my mind - more specifically, you do make me want to blow my brains out when I hear this chick sing this song.

Piece of advice for David Lee Roth - hey, man, you should never have recorded 'California Girls' according to a friend of mine. Oh, and you screwed up Van Halen too.

'MacArthur Park' was another notable mention from a couple of people, including myself who heard a version with a woman singing it at Curves (and no, it wasn't written to give DJ's bathroom breaks - that's what 'Stairway to Heaven' was for .

The B-52s weren't immune from criticism of other people: 'Rock Lobster' (for someone's personal reasons) and 'Love Shack' (sorry, I can't agree with this one, but you're entitled to your opinions) made some personal worst 5 lists.

Anyone remember a small club band called The Waitresses? They had a hit with a song called 'I Know What Boys Like'. The singer couldn't sing, the lyrics seemed out of sync with the over processed synthesizer, and the lyrics themselves... eww. This is that so-called 'classic' about the girl who teases boys and thinks it's fun (and funny). What I have a hard time with is that it's been re-done so many times (and it's still bad).

VH1 is running a poll about some of the worst songs in specific categories such as 'awesomely bad break up song' or 'bad boy band song'. I have to say that almost all of the songs listed there aren't on the official list ('Achy Breaky Heart' being the standout exception), but many of them should be. Tell me why Air Supply's 'All Out Of Love' or LFO's 'Summer Girls' (a.k.a. the Abercrombie & Fitch song) aren't on the list? Ok, I'll have to admit it, I really like 'Summer Girls', but I acknowledge that it's a horribly bad song and deserves to be on the list.

VH1 mention Ricky Martin's 'She Bangs' in the 'bad Latin Explosion' category - ok, I'll buy into that one, if they also put William Hung's version on the list too (he's calling himself the Hong Kong Ricky Martin after all). There's no way you can convince me to change my mind on that one after I had to watch video of him singing it 5 times in a row prior to a recent company meeting (don't ask). I don't care that he loves what he's doing - he's very VERY bad at it. It only took one showing of that video for me to realize that.

I do have to take issue with VH1's 'Awesomely bad Hair Metal Ballad' category. Or, rather, I have to admit a deep dark secret. I love Hair Metal. I grew up in the years of Hair Metal. The 5 that VH1 picked are all good songs, except for Motley Crue's 'Home Sweet Home' - that one never grew on me. They list Stryper's 'Honestly', Warrant's 'Heaven', the Crue song, Poison's 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn' and Bon Jovi's 'I'll Be There For You'. I'm sorry... I just choke at those choices. There were worse hair metal love ballads, I just know there were. I just have to figure out what they were.

And if anyone suggests Winger's 'Miles Away' as one being worse, I'll have to come throttle you myself.

Remember earlier when I mentioned that the folks might have some biased opinions towards 70s songs, but it didn't seem possible because the list surely would have had Eminem's entire catalog of whatever-it-is he records (because it certainly isn't music in my opinion) on the list... The bias *would* explain why things like 'Afternoon Delight', 'Muskrat Love', and 'You Light Up My Life' aren't on the list. Where's 'And the Beat Goes On' and 'I Got You Babe' - heck, where's ANYTHING by Sonny and Cher? They forgot the Carpenters too (although I'm sure my mom would disagree with me and then veer off into some discussion about that poor girl who starved herself to death).

And honestly, shouldn't those songs be on the list? Aren't they songs (and artists) that are so bad that they should never have been recorded in the first place?

Tell me where the Milli Vanilli songs are... and Sister Sledge's 'We Are Family'. Those two surely belong on the list. I'm thinking that The Kinks' 'Celluloid Heroes' belongs on the list too, but that might be because I heard it after the drugged up suicide trilogy this morning. So I won't make a decision on that song until I've listened to it on its own.

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So, I don't agree with the list (I think that's pretty clear), but the people who picked them out are entitled to their opinons...

...even if I think they're the worst music critics of all time. *wanders off humming 'we built this city on rock and roll'*

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The 50 Worst Songs of all time can be found (for the moment) here at the Houston Chronicle's website.
And a great big THANK YOU to all who helped out with song suggestions and comments about those songs for this entry.