...it's time once again for another edition of Dear Mr. Spammer. Mr. Spammer has been working some really odd hours to make sure that I feel really welcome when I get into my office and see that I have at least 40 new emails about various things. Recently Mr. Spammer wrote something that caught my eye, and I am compelled to share it, because I think Mr. Spammer is trying to tell me something about himself now.

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Dear Mr. Spammer,

I'm having a hard time with your latest email. You've stated that you can cure insomnia. But you sent your email at 3 in the morning, so how am I supposed to believe that any of the drugs that you've suggested will work?

Or are you working some sort of perverse spamming graveyard shift. Which is entirely possible, considering the amount of spam that I get in my inbox between cleaning it out at 10 at night and reviewing it again at 5:30 the following morning. I know that you want to make sure that I feel wanted and loved, based on some of your other emails, but physical satisfaction doesn't make one feel wanted, real truth and feelings do.

You guys just work round the clock - I know, harvesting email addresses and sending spam as fast as you can really takes a toll on one. You forget to use the spellchecker, or someone doesn't proofread properly for context. Or you're just so in need of the elusive sleep that won't come that you have all sorts of nonsense words at the bottom of the email, that make no sense. Or you start quoting Bible passages - that was a really interesting juxtaposition with the content of *that* particular email. You really *should* get some sleep - maybe if you tried some of the insomnia cures you're writing me about, you might get some sleep.

*stops for a moment and thinks of something*

Mr. Spammer, there's no other way to ask this: Do you have a problem with insomnia? Is this a cry for help?

Are you trying those products you hawk and that's why you're awake? Are you afraid that you've poisoned yourself or something? Don't worry - they tried all these things on lab rats, and the rats didn't complain a bit. They finally got some sleep eventually. Of course, they never opened their eyes again, but that's besides the point. They're rats, and we're human. I'm human, I can't tell if you are or not, but let's assume that and be happy, k?

Sorry to tell you, after all of your efforts, but I don't have problems with insomnia, and when I do I just count llamas until I can't think straight anymore. You should try it.

-WG- Sleeping pretty well, one night at a time.